I had a disappointment last week. I’d submitted my book to
an indie writing contest and the winners were to be notified by Thursday. I
didn’t get the notification.
It’s not that I expected to win. Wait, scratch that. My
disappointment indicates that indeed, on some level, I did expect some kind of
recognition. Maybe I wasn’t expecting to take the grand prize, but I was hoping
for at least an honorable mention.
Acknowledging that was the first step in being able to let
it go. Once I recognized my expectations as a cry for validation, I saw them
clearly as a self-imposed burden of proof meant to silence the inner critic who
keeps raising doubts about my writing talents. My disappointment wasn’t about
the quality of my work—it was about my need to prove myself.
What I am learning—slowly, painfully, and inevitably the
hard way—is that disappointment is an inside job, rooted in my expectation of
how the events in my life are supposed to turn out. I keep slapping my
preconceived mental notion of how life should be onto the actual outcome,
imagining what should be rather than fully appreciating what is.
The letters printed in advice columns suggest that there are
a lot of individuals out there who suffer a similar affliction. I suspect that
most of our gripes could be quieted if only we realized that our desire to
control situations or people is the predominant cause of our disappointment.
Holding others to our own arbitrary standards leads to
recrimination when they fall short of our expectations. Unfortunately, over
time this tendency can become something of a pattern, creating a cycle of
perpetual disappointment.
The chronically disgruntled judge other people harshly,
dismissing their efforts and actions as sub-par. Whether realistic or
unrealistic, their unmet expectations are the source of their misery. Sadly, when
disappointment becomes a way of life, relationships suffer.
There are two distinct ways of dealing with someone who
complains about your efforts (or, more accurately, their perception of your
efforts) on a regular basis. You either keep trying to please and appease them,
while growing ever more resentful that they can’t accept your actions as the
best you have to offer, or you stop trying and let the chips fall where they
may.
Our expectations for how our friends and family members
should respond to us or how situations in our lives should turn out limit our
ability to be grateful for the blessings that are already there.
It’s no coincidence that a key element of mindfulness is
being present in the moment, which means embracing what is, not longing for
what could or should be. The closer I stay to the moment at hand, the less
opportunity there is to hold an expectation for it.
The more I relax my expectations, the easier it is for me to
accept other people exactly as they are, to receive their efforts with an open
heart. And that, of course, is the pathway to peace.