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The Curse of Expectation

I had a disappointment last week. I’d submitted my book to an indie writing contest and the winners were to be notified by Thursday. I didn’t get the notification.

It’s not that I expected to win. Wait, scratch that. My disappointment indicates that indeed, on some level, I did expect some kind of recognition. Maybe I wasn’t expecting to take the grand prize, but I was hoping for at least an honorable mention.

Acknowledging that was the first step in being able to let it go. Once I recognized my expectations as a cry for validation, I saw them clearly as a self-imposed burden of proof meant to silence the inner critic who keeps raising doubts about my writing talents. My disappointment wasn’t about the quality of my work—it was about my need to prove myself.

What I am learning—slowly, painfully, and inevitably the hard way—is that disappointment is an inside job, rooted in my expectation of how the events in my life are supposed to turn out. I keep slapping my preconceived mental notion of how life should be onto the actual outcome, imagining what should be rather than fully appreciating what is.

The letters printed in advice columns suggest that there are a lot of individuals out there who suffer a similar affliction. I suspect that most of our gripes could be quieted if only we realized that our desire to control situations or people is the predominant cause of our disappointment.

Holding others to our own arbitrary standards leads to recrimination when they fall short of our expectations. Unfortunately, over time this tendency can become something of a pattern, creating a cycle of perpetual disappointment.

The chronically disgruntled judge other people harshly, dismissing their efforts and actions as sub-par. Whether realistic or unrealistic, their unmet expectations are the source of their misery. Sadly, when disappointment becomes a way of life, relationships suffer.

There are two distinct ways of dealing with someone who complains about your efforts (or, more accurately, their perception of your efforts) on a regular basis. You either keep trying to please and appease them, while growing ever more resentful that they can’t accept your actions as the best you have to offer, or you stop trying and let the chips fall where they may.

Our expectations for how our friends and family members should respond to us or how situations in our lives should turn out limit our ability to be grateful for the blessings that are already there.

It’s no coincidence that a key element of mindfulness is being present in the moment, which means embracing what is, not longing for what could or should be. The closer I stay to the moment at hand, the less opportunity there is to hold an expectation for it.

The more I relax my expectations, the easier it is for me to accept other people exactly as they are, to receive their efforts with an open heart. And that, of course, is the pathway to peace.  

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